Losing "control"

Writing this post today I have begun the final stages of my time in Phoenix. I have received my placement in Incheon, South Korea. Am I scared? Hell Yes. Am I excited? Hell Yes. Am I going through with this? Yes, but with doubts. Honestly, I am finding that in life I think there will always be doubts though. Any good thing that is meant to shape the person is going to have its doubts. I am elated to see what's behind the doors to my future, but I am being patient, more patient than I have been in the past. Also, to add a new rule for 2013 (adding on to the 2012 one more or less) is the rule of "letting go". This is a rule in many aspects of my life. Letting go of my material goods, saying goodbye to friends and family in the weeks to come and letting go of all the expectations I have put upon myself. Many people who know me would agree that I live in control of my life. I am a type A person who needed to have a "handle" on her future and her past when really you cannot control either. So in honor of myself I have decided to just throw out my expectations and allow myself to just be. The freedom that I have felt as a result of it, the freedom I have given myself by telling people "I don't know how long I am going to be in Korea" and truly meaning it is amazing. I honestly do not know how long I plan to be in Korea and I like it that way. I have tentative ideas of what I'd like to do after.. the UK for grad school being one of them... but honestly for once I am going to see what happens and comes my way. For those that have had the privilege to be around this "new" Melissa I am sure some think of it as me "losing my mind" when really I haven't allowed myself to really live all these years. Please just join me in my celebration of letting go and enjoy the ride as much as I am!

Letting go of the old...

As I sit around waiting to hear back from coordinator in Korea about my placement and when and where I will be going I realize that the biggest task about uprooting my life to a whole new path is going to be getting rid of my material goods. I wouldn't call me a hoarder, but I tend to be one of those people that keeps a T-shirt (my first one I got after my orientation at CU Freshman year) or tries to cling to memories of game day shirts that I wore at 20 years old. I know that they are mere cues that help keep those memories fresh in my mind, but I must realize that the memories themselves are what matter most, not the item. Now don't get me wrong, pictures and some t-shirts are going to stay until I cannot stand to look or wear it again, but I have been depleting items that really I have no use for. Honestly, it feels great to let go of the old (some things are from Australia back in 2006) and know that there will be new items to come into my life. Furthermore, on a deeper level- my immediate future is now unwritten and I get to recreate myself and my life's journey in a whole new way than I ever imagined before. I am merely still in the beginning stages of letting go of my material goods. The hardest by far will be my CR-V, but that car defined many of my past journeys in Colorado, California, Arizona and more... She will be missed. Letting go of these items let's me let of go of the current life I lead. I am not saying I am letting go of the relationships I have built or letting go of my progress to really understand myself, but rather letting go of things that I have clung to- old ideas and beliefs and making room for new ones to come...

How One Rule Changed My Life

November 2012 (Veterans Day 11/11) As I look over my January entry I remember the intent of this- to keep record of my journey. What a year 2012 has been! I stayed pretty close to my rule of saying yes before saying no. As I sit here today, I went to my first Coachella and had an absolute blast. However, as a result of Coachella it spiraled me into this "what AM I doing with my life?" Furthermore, mom and dad now have custody of the boys, which really pulled me to figure out my next step in life. It's not kids, it's not marriage and it's not settling down in one place for a long period of time. I have been accepted and am currently waiting to hear from the Korean English Teacher program, EPIK about my placement into their school system! The majority of my 2013, if all goes to plan, will be spent overseas in South Korea in some far off land I have never imagined myself exploring! The emotions and thoughts going through my head are amongst the following: "1) are you NUTS?! Yep. 2) This is going to be out of this world amazing 3) One last adventure before I really see myself being able to do any of what I am currently NOT doing. 4) 30 is only a few years away (literally) and you have yet to achieve a lot of your intended "goals" you set out for yourself in college, so go for it!" I am excited, nervous, happy, sad and anxious all at once! But I wouldn't trade these feelings for anything right now. I feel very in control and very sure of myself too- something I have struggled with for a long time. I finally do feel I am coming into myself and that's a relieving feeling.